Seeing Red

I glance to my right at the small glass cup holding the remains of my vodka tonic. It looks just like water and I am really thirsty. Foremost on my mind, however, is not the liquefied ice and diluted alcohol tempting me from it arms-length away perch, but the burning, itchy sensation which has leeched onto my eyes with Kong-sized tenacity.
You see, somewhere there is a small child gleefully smashing glue and sand into a thick paste and cramming it all over my eyes while I sleep. I’ve been battling with this grainy sealant for the last few mornings and quite frankly, its time for that kid to go down. The lovely AM challenge of pulling my eye lashes apart in hopes of seeing what the world has to offer has yielded nothing but eyes which resemble those of a crack addict. Or someone who has been hot boxing since the Y2K scare. Either way, drugs are involved—thanks a lot World.
Eye drops are usually a magnetic draw in situations like this, but I have the God-engrained inability to consciously put anything in my eyes. Many people have been able to evolve past this instinct and stick all sorts of things into their visionary globes; hard contacts, soft contacts, liquids of various sorts, gum for later etc. I am sad to say, however that I am still very much in the Neanderthal stage of that eye protrusion mentality. The only way I can get eye drops into my eye is by having Ty drop them in as I hold my eye open. Even with that, I am nervously laughing the entire time and have to psyche myself up for the experience.
I would never make it as a pot-head.
The reason for my misery, according to the docs, is simply that I have a cold in my eye. The cold that I was experiencing apparently decided that it was bored with my lungs and throat and consequently packed up its things and headed for the big blue globes that they had seen in so many postcards. The Promised Land, where water flows from rocks sans speech or rod. Well, I hope they are having a fabulous time popping all of my eye veins or whatever they’re doing, because it will be the last time. I’ve got homeland security on them. Phone calls are being tapped and 'random' baggage searches are being executed. This evil must be purged!

For now though terror level is at red. Bloodshot red. Be advised.