The Scare

Last Friday I ordered a margarita from Mazatlan. Strawberry with a side of guilt. I was in the middle of my first pregnancy scare and had decided that ignorance could aid in excusing my behavior for the evening. Jokes from my coworkers, of course were made; “Are you sure that will be good for the baby?” “You really ought to get a Shirley Temple.” I’ve never had a Shirley Temple, but it sounds boring. Anyway I don’t like visualizing a little girl with bouncy ringlets and a short dress tap dancing up and down stairs when I order a drink. But that’s just me. So I had the margarita and hoped for no long term side effects.
Earlier that week I had left work due to nausea and fatigue. I did not contemplate being pregnant, but I was a minority in that regard. The next morning I arrived at work a couple hours late because, again, nausea had wrapped itself around my head, collapsing me into a weakened, frazzled mess. This did not go unnoticed by my coworkers and soon I was fending off constant heckling from all angles.
The thought of being pregnant had now muscled its way into my head and had staked out a nice little spot for itself. Right in between cautious excitement and paralyzing fear. Ty too was interested in this new development which had his wife drinking PeptoBismal like it was her daily nightcap. Barbie-pink miracle liquid, by the way. He sent me a text on the first day of nausea, asking me if I was experiencing any breast tenderness and sensitivity. I said no, but if he would like to check when I got home, he could.
On the third day, which was a Thursday, the morning yielded no nausea or fatigue—I was back—or so I thought. That evening, as I was scrolling through various blogs and forums, the nausea returned. This time I could not blame it on the MAX or lack of food. I was sitting down, I had just eaten and everything was as it should be. Having the internet literally at my fingertips, I did a search for ‘how to know when you are pregnant.’ Intending to find some reinforcement for my hopeful theory of not being pregnant, I began scanning the websites. My results were to this effect: Morning sickness can actually occur any time of the day—even the evening. Morning sickness (nausea, vomiting) usually occurs within the first one to two weeks of pregnancy. Great. This prompted a quick removal of laptop from lap and an escape into the living room where nothing but twinkling Christmas lights threatened my status quo.
Its not that being pregnant would be such an awful thing, I am looking forward to having a mini-Ty running around, but it is a pretty mind blowing thought when it’s not expected. And probably even when it is expected. So I sat there, tucked deep into the couch in a sort of psychosis, staring at the lights and probably rocking myself like a crazy person, thinking about how exactly I felt about this little hiccup. Big hiccup.
Ty came in and we talked a bit. He offered to buy be a pregnancy test, but I declined. I have issues with pregnancy tests. It has something to do with experiencing three minutes of the most heart pounding stress you can imagine while waiting for a cheap plastic stick to tell you if your life it going to change forever—with a 'Made in China' postscript. I feel that I should have to summit a large, craggy mountain and talk to an old man with a long beard for that information. It seems more dignified that way. So I decided to endure a week of stress rather than the three minutes. Aunt Flow would have to suffice in lieu of the Mr. Mountaintop.
And that she did—Tuesday morning all of my fears and apprehensions were swept away and life was back to normal. I don’t think I’ve ever been so excited for Day 28. The excitement quickly dissipated however with the onset of some minor cramps and the realization that I wasn’t going to get any action all week.
The Scare is now over and I seem to have moved on to a new chapter of womanhood. I feel more experienced, wiser and not to mention way more punctual with the birth control. I wonder where the other Scare Survivors are. Do they hang out? Do they have meetings? Should I be attending? Their meetings would probably entail a bunch of women drinking and yelling, "Look everyone, I'm DRINKING! And that’s okay!" And then afterwards they would all stumble over to the AA meeting down the street.

I think I’ll stick with my occasional margarita. Hold the guilt.